Well I had my first therapy appointment today. Wow. It's amazing how little time it takes to realize just how much baggage you have to work through.
I like my therapist so far. She is German with a really heavy accent which is a little weird but she was able to bring out stuff that I had buried or not realized in just 45 minutes.
We went back in my childhood to talk about abandoment issues. I had felt abandoned by my parents when they split up for a while when I was in high school and my mom was going to my dad's apartment every weekend to work on things. I now realize that it started as early as 3rd grade if not before. My mom has always struggled with major depression from as early as I can remember. I would come home from grade school and my dad would say, you need to be nice to mom because she isn't feeling well. From that point on, whenever that was, I was having to take care of them. Then my dog Madchen died when I was in 3rd grade. Talking with the therapist made me realize that that is probably when my depression started. My only friend had died. The only one who spent real time with me and had unconditional love for me.
I have spent all my life looking for someone to love me. I have relationship hopped and never wanted to be alone. I married an alcoholic who is like my father in some ways and is really not available emotionally a lot of the time and that feels normal to me.
I also realized on the way back to work after my appt that my "security blanket" known as moles that I still sleep with today relates to this. When I was very little I liked to rub the moles on my mom's neck before going to sleep. She then didn't want to have to sit there while I did that so she made some out of yarn for me. I still use these EVERY night. Hmmmm.... light bulb. It had never crossed my mind that these could be related.
My therapist and I talked about I still feel the need to take care of my parents. I don't show all my emotions in front of them because the can't "handle" it with their own mental illnesses. I told her my dad asked me to call him after the appt and I asked what I should tell him. She said, it's time to stop worrying about your parents and tell them what you want to tell them. So I decided that I would tell him, if he asked, that we talked about abandonment. When I called him he asked how it went and I said, well there is a lot, it kind of overwhelming. He said, well be nice when you talk about us. Wow, that floored me. I hadn't realized how selfish and unhealthy he was until he said that. He wants me to distort things in my childhood so they don't look bad.
There are many things I love about my parents, but I now see, and probably will continue to see how flawed they are. My husband says, people do the best they can with the tools they are given, so I am going to try not to be angry and instead feel sorry for them and work through the other stuff through therapy. Hey, maybe there is hope for me yet.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
The sun is shining
It is so beautiful out today I can't help but be in a good mood I think.
Had my doctor appt yesterday. He upped my Depakote to 1000 mg and left the Seroquel at the same dosage as I have been taking and also added Celexa for the depression. I sure hope this works. Like I said in my previous post, I have had a couple really good days so that is definitely an improvement. Hopefully they will continue.
I will for sure not be getting a paycheck tomorrow. Not even sure when I will get one. Very scary, thank God we have a little money in savings. It will probably only get us through one paycheck being missing though.
I put my resume out there, I don't want to but I can't let my mental health and love for the company I'm at to hurt my family financially. As it is, we will already be affected. (is it affected or effected? I never know with that one.)
Memorial day weekend is coming and I don't know what we are going to do. Since I won't have a paycheck I think we will be staying close to home. I may go out fishing with B. Or should I say, lay in the canoe and read and tan while he fishes. :)
D recieved a $500 scholorship from her school on Tuesday. Pretty cool that she got some money. At least it will pay for books for a couple of classes.
Had my doctor appt yesterday. He upped my Depakote to 1000 mg and left the Seroquel at the same dosage as I have been taking and also added Celexa for the depression. I sure hope this works. Like I said in my previous post, I have had a couple really good days so that is definitely an improvement. Hopefully they will continue.
I will for sure not be getting a paycheck tomorrow. Not even sure when I will get one. Very scary, thank God we have a little money in savings. It will probably only get us through one paycheck being missing though.
I put my resume out there, I don't want to but I can't let my mental health and love for the company I'm at to hurt my family financially. As it is, we will already be affected. (is it affected or effected? I never know with that one.)
Memorial day weekend is coming and I don't know what we are going to do. Since I won't have a paycheck I think we will be staying close to home. I may go out fishing with B. Or should I say, lay in the canoe and read and tan while he fishes. :)
D recieved a $500 scholorship from her school on Tuesday. Pretty cool that she got some money. At least it will pay for books for a couple of classes.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
I guess the OCD is over with for now
Ok so I haven't written in a while.
I have had a couple of good days and a few bad days lately. Nothing out of the ordinary except the good days which I will take as many of those as possible.
Today I found out that we aren't going to meet payroll at work. I'm the office manager and basically do whatever the owner needs me to do. Payroll, accounts payable, receivables, ordering, customer service, you name it. So I told him last week that receivables wasn't looking good for payroll the next week. We basically have tons of bills and no work which means no receivables. So he told a bunch of people they need to go to straight commission work for sales or leave. They haven't been selling and have been just collecting a paycheck for a year and a half. This should have happened a long time ago. There are a few people that should be here still though and even though they aren't producing as fast as we would like, they are making good strong contacts and want the company to succeed.
I have been at work crying most of the time. Trying to hide it from my boss. He says this is just a speed bump and I said, well, I usually trip and break my face on those, and he said he won't let me. I don't know how he remains so positive and I feel bad for putting any stress on him by talking about how all of this is bothering me.
Ok I have exceeded my energy level for typing... good thing I have my psych appt tomorrow.
Kate
I have had a couple of good days and a few bad days lately. Nothing out of the ordinary except the good days which I will take as many of those as possible.
Today I found out that we aren't going to meet payroll at work. I'm the office manager and basically do whatever the owner needs me to do. Payroll, accounts payable, receivables, ordering, customer service, you name it. So I told him last week that receivables wasn't looking good for payroll the next week. We basically have tons of bills and no work which means no receivables. So he told a bunch of people they need to go to straight commission work for sales or leave. They haven't been selling and have been just collecting a paycheck for a year and a half. This should have happened a long time ago. There are a few people that should be here still though and even though they aren't producing as fast as we would like, they are making good strong contacts and want the company to succeed.
I have been at work crying most of the time. Trying to hide it from my boss. He says this is just a speed bump and I said, well, I usually trip and break my face on those, and he said he won't let me. I don't know how he remains so positive and I feel bad for putting any stress on him by talking about how all of this is bothering me.
Ok I have exceeded my energy level for typing... good thing I have my psych appt tomorrow.
Kate
Friday, May 16, 2008
TGIF
I am so relieved it is Friday!
This week has been pretty up and down. Monday I had a great day. Was in a great mood and had tons of energy. I got the house clean and a bunch of work done at work. I don't know if it was a manic episode or if it was just what "normal" could feel like.
After Monday things went down hill quick. I got a kidney infection and spent my Tuesday morning in the ER. Obviously this didn't help me mentally either. I felt like crap and was in bed all day. I did go to work on Wednesday but just couldn't handle it and went home early. Yesterday I stayed in bed until about 1:00 and finally called my boss and told him I was coming. If B hadn't called me and tried to get me to at least get outside for a minute to see if that would help, I would probably still be in bed.
I am at work today and have gotten quite a bit accomplished so far. There is still that underlying feeling of just wanting to crawl under the covers though. I am so exhausted by everything.
I am trying so hard to hold things together at home and work and I am failing. I feel like I can't do anything right. Then I start wondering, what if I really am not bipolar and am just a horrible human being that can't accomplish anything. Part of me knows that is irrational but my brain still thinks like that.
Anyway, I am going to do everything I can to stay positive this weekend. My Godmother is in town and I haven't seen her since my wedding 8 years ago so I told my dad to plan for me to meet them somewhere early on Saturday morning so I HAVE to get out of bed. Then as long as the weather cooperates B and I are going to plant some flowers. If I can just stay out of bed and in the sunshine I think that will help.
This week has been pretty up and down. Monday I had a great day. Was in a great mood and had tons of energy. I got the house clean and a bunch of work done at work. I don't know if it was a manic episode or if it was just what "normal" could feel like.
After Monday things went down hill quick. I got a kidney infection and spent my Tuesday morning in the ER. Obviously this didn't help me mentally either. I felt like crap and was in bed all day. I did go to work on Wednesday but just couldn't handle it and went home early. Yesterday I stayed in bed until about 1:00 and finally called my boss and told him I was coming. If B hadn't called me and tried to get me to at least get outside for a minute to see if that would help, I would probably still be in bed.
I am at work today and have gotten quite a bit accomplished so far. There is still that underlying feeling of just wanting to crawl under the covers though. I am so exhausted by everything.
I am trying so hard to hold things together at home and work and I am failing. I feel like I can't do anything right. Then I start wondering, what if I really am not bipolar and am just a horrible human being that can't accomplish anything. Part of me knows that is irrational but my brain still thinks like that.
Anyway, I am going to do everything I can to stay positive this weekend. My Godmother is in town and I haven't seen her since my wedding 8 years ago so I told my dad to plan for me to meet them somewhere early on Saturday morning so I HAVE to get out of bed. Then as long as the weather cooperates B and I are going to plant some flowers. If I can just stay out of bed and in the sunshine I think that will help.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Joke
Ok so I am one of those people that doesn't have a ton of friends but the friends I do have are wonderful and know just what to say or do to cheer me up etc.
I told my friend Mike about my diagnosis yesterday. After expressing concern for me, he emailed me this joke.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
There is nothing like a little black humor to get me laughing, especially at myself. I had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard. Yeah, life isn't so bad.
I told my friend Mike about my diagnosis yesterday. After expressing concern for me, he emailed me this joke.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
There is nothing like a little black humor to get me laughing, especially at myself. I had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard. Yeah, life isn't so bad.
Meds
So last night was kind of a bad night all around so it's hard to know how the meds are working. I was definitely really dizzy last night but like I said before I think that is from coming off the Effexor.
So last night I took 50 mg of the Seroquel instead of 75. That worked better I think. I don't feel groggy this morning.
So last night I took 50 mg of the Seroquel instead of 75. That worked better I think. I don't feel groggy this morning.
Reason 1,586 for me not to have biological children
#1,586- Whether they are your biological child or not they have the ability to reach into your chest, pull your heart out, and stomp on it until you can't feel anything anymore.
D broke the news to B last night about possibly moving in with her boyfriend. B said he will absolutely not agree to that. He started listing off reasons and I completely agree with him. We asked her what her reasons were for wanting to do this. They were, I could be closer to him and my family. (OUCH, what the hell are we?) and that she doesn't get to make any of her own decisions. So because you feel like you haven't been able to make any of your own decisions (which is absolutely not true by the way) you are going to make a decision to move in with your boyfriend while you are 18 and he is 17 and by no where near prepared for what life is going to be like for a young couple.
In reality, she was never actually "here". She never gave it a try which makes me really sad. I was the same way when I was her age though, I thought I had all the answers and knew what was going to be best for me. I think I owe my parents an apology when I see them this weekend.
So when it comes down to it, we have no control. She is going to do what she wants, we told her we would not fund her decision however. We had planned to take care of all her expenses while she worked full time this summer and saved so she could go to school in the fall and have spending money from the money she saved and we would still pay the rest of the bills. She says she doesn't understand why we wouldn't pay for her expenses if she moved in with her boyfriend. We said we will not fund a bad decision.
I just feel like a paycheck.
D broke the news to B last night about possibly moving in with her boyfriend. B said he will absolutely not agree to that. He started listing off reasons and I completely agree with him. We asked her what her reasons were for wanting to do this. They were, I could be closer to him and my family. (OUCH, what the hell are we?) and that she doesn't get to make any of her own decisions. So because you feel like you haven't been able to make any of your own decisions (which is absolutely not true by the way) you are going to make a decision to move in with your boyfriend while you are 18 and he is 17 and by no where near prepared for what life is going to be like for a young couple.
In reality, she was never actually "here". She never gave it a try which makes me really sad. I was the same way when I was her age though, I thought I had all the answers and knew what was going to be best for me. I think I owe my parents an apology when I see them this weekend.
So when it comes down to it, we have no control. She is going to do what she wants, we told her we would not fund her decision however. We had planned to take care of all her expenses while she worked full time this summer and saved so she could go to school in the fall and have spending money from the money she saved and we would still pay the rest of the bills. She says she doesn't understand why we wouldn't pay for her expenses if she moved in with her boyfriend. We said we will not fund a bad decision.
I just feel like a paycheck.
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