Fresh start

Ok, so I have been looking back at past posts and boy is that depressing! No wonder no one was reading! I'm starting over!

I'm doing great. I just started up at the gym and got 5 trainer sessions and I start those tonight. I have a ton of weight that I put on from the meds that I need to get off! At this point I am going to need to start now to be in bathing suit shape by next summer! I am determined.

Baxter our puppy is now 4 1/2 months old. He is adorable. He can sit, stay, come, and do down.

So not much to share but I am the happiest I've been in a long time and life is good!

Emotions

I am feeling very alone right now. I am struggling mentally. I feel like I am either really irriated all the time or I am crying. Not much in between. I have started going to Al-Anon again in addition to my psych appts and therapy appts. The meds still aren't working. I've been on several different things now and I am now trying Tegratol and Abilify. Not working so far.

The other problem is work is still so stressful. I never know if we will actually make payroll by some act of God each time. It's very scary. I think that is really not helping the situation. I have resume's out there and one for a job that my neighbor works for that I really want. It would be less pay and less responsibility but would give me the chance to get into a company that is well established and doesn't have the threat of folding. The kind of job security may mend me completely! ha ha.

Anyway, if anyone actually reads this, have a great weekend.

Puppies

Lucky

I'm still here

I know that no one really reads this so it doesn't matter if I don't write for a while... But I'm back.

I obviously had a really hard time with Lucky passing away. There have also been struggles with my husbands alcoholism going on so life has just been too stressful to write about. Things I think are on the up and up though. I am going to Al-anon once a week and will actually be going twice this week and Bob has been going to AA twice a week. So as long as we are concentrating on taking care of ourselves, hopefully things will get easier at home.

We are also going to be bringing home a puppy at the end of August. I need a dog in the house. I need that distraction to love something else instead of just missing Lucky. I will put up some more pictures of Lucky and some of the puppies we will be choosing from.

The Lucky Dog

We had to put our dog Lucky to sleep last night... it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

You were my baby. You were my friend. You always listened and never judged. You were always excited to see me when I got home. You were my rock.

I love you Lucky and I hope you are up in heaven playing with no pain or worries.

Trying to stay positive while working for free

Well overall my mood is pretty good. I think the drugs are starting to kick in.

I still haven't gotten a paycheck and I have been putting out resumes like mad. I am still working and doing everything I can to make this place work but if I find another job I will probably take it. A person can't work for free forever.

I cut out all our extra debt payments and I think I will only have to pull $600 from savings to make up for last weeks paycheck. That will leave about $1200 left in savings. Not much at all. I just need to try to remain positive and hope we get some checks in so I can do payroll.

Abandonment

Well I had my first therapy appointment today. Wow. It's amazing how little time it takes to realize just how much baggage you have to work through.

I like my therapist so far. She is German with a really heavy accent which is a little weird but she was able to bring out stuff that I had buried or not realized in just 45 minutes.

We went back in my childhood to talk about abandoment issues. I had felt abandoned by my parents when they split up for a while when I was in high school and my mom was going to my dad's apartment every weekend to work on things. I now realize that it started as early as 3rd grade if not before. My mom has always struggled with major depression from as early as I can remember. I would come home from grade school and my dad would say, you need to be nice to mom because she isn't feeling well. From that point on, whenever that was, I was having to take care of them. Then my dog Madchen died when I was in 3rd grade. Talking with the therapist made me realize that that is probably when my depression started. My only friend had died. The only one who spent real time with me and had unconditional love for me.

I have spent all my life looking for someone to love me. I have relationship hopped and never wanted to be alone. I married an alcoholic who is like my father in some ways and is really not available emotionally a lot of the time and that feels normal to me.

I also realized on the way back to work after my appt that my "security blanket" known as moles that I still sleep with today relates to this. When I was very little I liked to rub the moles on my mom's neck before going to sleep. She then didn't want to have to sit there while I did that so she made some out of yarn for me. I still use these EVERY night. Hmmmm.... light bulb. It had never crossed my mind that these could be related.

My therapist and I talked about I still feel the need to take care of my parents. I don't show all my emotions in front of them because the can't "handle" it with their own mental illnesses. I told her my dad asked me to call him after the appt and I asked what I should tell him. She said, it's time to stop worrying about your parents and tell them what you want to tell them. So I decided that I would tell him, if he asked, that we talked about abandonment. When I called him he asked how it went and I said, well there is a lot, it kind of overwhelming. He said, well be nice when you talk about us. Wow, that floored me. I hadn't realized how selfish and unhealthy he was until he said that. He wants me to distort things in my childhood so they don't look bad.

There are many things I love about my parents, but I now see, and probably will continue to see how flawed they are. My husband says, people do the best they can with the tools they are given, so I am going to try not to be angry and instead feel sorry for them and work through the other stuff through therapy. Hey, maybe there is hope for me yet.

The sun is shining

It is so beautiful out today I can't help but be in a good mood I think.

Had my doctor appt yesterday. He upped my Depakote to 1000 mg and left the Seroquel at the same dosage as I have been taking and also added Celexa for the depression. I sure hope this works. Like I said in my previous post, I have had a couple really good days so that is definitely an improvement. Hopefully they will continue.

I will for sure not be getting a paycheck tomorrow. Not even sure when I will get one. Very scary, thank God we have a little money in savings. It will probably only get us through one paycheck being missing though.

I put my resume out there, I don't want to but I can't let my mental health and love for the company I'm at to hurt my family financially. As it is, we will already be affected. (is it affected or effected? I never know with that one.)


Memorial day weekend is coming and I don't know what we are going to do. Since I won't have a paycheck I think we will be staying close to home. I may go out fishing with B. Or should I say, lay in the canoe and read and tan while he fishes. :)

D recieved a $500 scholorship from her school on Tuesday. Pretty cool that she got some money. At least it will pay for books for a couple of classes.

I guess the OCD is over with for now

Ok so I haven't written in a while.

I have had a couple of good days and a few bad days lately. Nothing out of the ordinary except the good days which I will take as many of those as possible.

Today I found out that we aren't going to meet payroll at work. I'm the office manager and basically do whatever the owner needs me to do. Payroll, accounts payable, receivables, ordering, customer service, you name it. So I told him last week that receivables wasn't looking good for payroll the next week. We basically have tons of bills and no work which means no receivables. So he told a bunch of people they need to go to straight commission work for sales or leave. They haven't been selling and have been just collecting a paycheck for a year and a half. This should have happened a long time ago. There are a few people that should be here still though and even though they aren't producing as fast as we would like, they are making good strong contacts and want the company to succeed.

I have been at work crying most of the time. Trying to hide it from my boss. He says this is just a speed bump and I said, well, I usually trip and break my face on those, and he said he won't let me. I don't know how he remains so positive and I feel bad for putting any stress on him by talking about how all of this is bothering me.

Ok I have exceeded my energy level for typing... good thing I have my psych appt tomorrow.

Kate

TGIF

I am so relieved it is Friday!

This week has been pretty up and down. Monday I had a great day. Was in a great mood and had tons of energy. I got the house clean and a bunch of work done at work. I don't know if it was a manic episode or if it was just what "normal" could feel like.

After Monday things went down hill quick. I got a kidney infection and spent my Tuesday morning in the ER. Obviously this didn't help me mentally either. I felt like crap and was in bed all day. I did go to work on Wednesday but just couldn't handle it and went home early. Yesterday I stayed in bed until about 1:00 and finally called my boss and told him I was coming. If B hadn't called me and tried to get me to at least get outside for a minute to see if that would help, I would probably still be in bed.

I am at work today and have gotten quite a bit accomplished so far. There is still that underlying feeling of just wanting to crawl under the covers though. I am so exhausted by everything.

I am trying so hard to hold things together at home and work and I am failing. I feel like I can't do anything right. Then I start wondering, what if I really am not bipolar and am just a horrible human being that can't accomplish anything. Part of me knows that is irrational but my brain still thinks like that.

Anyway, I am going to do everything I can to stay positive this weekend. My Godmother is in town and I haven't seen her since my wedding 8 years ago so I told my dad to plan for me to meet them somewhere early on Saturday morning so I HAVE to get out of bed. Then as long as the weather cooperates B and I are going to plant some flowers. If I can just stay out of bed and in the sunshine I think that will help.

Joke

Ok so I am one of those people that doesn't have a ton of friends but the friends I do have are wonderful and know just what to say or do to cheer me up etc.

I told my friend Mike about my diagnosis yesterday. After expressing concern for me, he emailed me this joke.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

There is nothing like a little black humor to get me laughing, especially at myself. I had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard. Yeah, life isn't so bad.

Meds

So last night was kind of a bad night all around so it's hard to know how the meds are working. I was definitely really dizzy last night but like I said before I think that is from coming off the Effexor.

So last night I took 50 mg of the Seroquel instead of 75. That worked better I think. I don't feel groggy this morning.

Reason 1,586 for me not to have biological children

#1,586- Whether they are your biological child or not they have the ability to reach into your chest, pull your heart out, and stomp on it until you can't feel anything anymore.

D broke the news to B last night about possibly moving in with her boyfriend. B said he will absolutely not agree to that. He started listing off reasons and I completely agree with him. We asked her what her reasons were for wanting to do this. They were, I could be closer to him and my family. (OUCH, what the hell are we?) and that she doesn't get to make any of her own decisions. So because you feel like you haven't been able to make any of your own decisions (which is absolutely not true by the way) you are going to make a decision to move in with your boyfriend while you are 18 and he is 17 and by no where near prepared for what life is going to be like for a young couple.

In reality, she was never actually "here". She never gave it a try which makes me really sad. I was the same way when I was her age though, I thought I had all the answers and knew what was going to be best for me. I think I owe my parents an apology when I see them this weekend.

So when it comes down to it, we have no control. She is going to do what she wants, we told her we would not fund her decision however. We had planned to take care of all her expenses while she worked full time this summer and saved so she could go to school in the fall and have spending money from the money she saved and we would still pay the rest of the bills. She says she doesn't understand why we wouldn't pay for her expenses if she moved in with her boyfriend. We said we will not fund a bad decision.

I just feel like a paycheck.

OCD Blogging- I can't stop! :)

Ok this makes post number 3 for the day. I'm out of control. ha ha.

My step-daughter just told me that her boyfriend wants her to move in with him and his dad this summer. She hasn't told her dad yet. I told her she needs to tell him tonight because I can't keep this from him.

I may shock anyone who ends up reading this by saying I think it might be a good thing. I know she is miserable with us because she is an hour and a half away from her boyfriend, friends and other family and this boy is actually a good influence on her for the most part. I also think it would be good for her to deal with the true reality of adulthood. I told her we would not be helping financially if she moved out. As harsh as that might seem, it may just be what she needs to gain the confidence to make it on her own.

At the same time it hurts me and I know it will hurt B. For so long we have felt like just a paycheck to her mom and when the money stopped, D moved in so then we felt like just a paycheck to her. She treats us with respect and everything but just deep down it felt like, why is she moving in with us now, you know?

We love this girl so much and just want her to have a happy, healthy, successful life. Unfortunately, she is an adult now and we can't necessarily tell her what to do, more like guide and pray to God that she listens. She is not even my biological daughter but the pain sure feels like it.

101 things about me

Ok so I have seen this on other blogs. I am going to attempt it. 101 sounds like an awful lot though!

1. I'm 30 years old
2. I've been married for 8 years
3. I have an 18 year old step-daughter
4. My husband is 10 years older than me
5. My nickname was Crash all through high school
6. One of my bridesmaids was my best friend Paul, who is not a girl. :)
7. My favorite place to be is outdoors on a river or lake or in the woods.
8. My husband and I would love to own a log home some day
9. I live in Hickville, USA. Down the street there is a house that flies the Confederate flag on their porch. This is Minnesota people. It makes me sick.
10. I have a yellow lab and 3 cats. A year ago we just had the dog and one cat. Things were much less chaotic then.
11. We have adopted all our pets from rescue places.
12. Both my husband and father are recovering alcoholics. I thought I married a man that was completely opposite from my father. While they do have many differences, they are very similar in regards to that.
13. I don't ever plan on having kids of my own.
14. I don't want to have my kids be subject to the genetics of mental illness and alcoholism
15. I also don't want to go through the teenage years again.
16. Step-grandma will suit me just fine instead- many years down the road I hope
17. I love Wishbone Italian Dressing. I put it on almost everything.
18. I'm a smoker. I know I need to quit, the problem is I actually enjoy smoking. It's the only time I take for myself during the day.
19. My favorite season is fall.
20. I spend too much effort on having people like me. I am a people-pleaser and I don't know how to stop.
21. My first job was a swimming instructor and lifeguard. I was scared to death every time I had to lifeguard.
22. I drive a 4-wheel drive pickup truck. You know, to fit in with all the rednecks. ;) I don't think I will ever drive anything else now. I love it.
23. I still have a sort of "blankie" that I use from childhood everynight. I call them moles. I used to, when I was a baby, rub the moles on my mom's neck to go to sleep at night. Well, she ended up making me my own "moles" by taking a piece of yarn and tying a knot in it and then tying the ends together. I still sleep with my "moles".
24. I am very uncoordinated. I fall down a lot, I blame everything on my shoes. Damn shoes.
25. I keep eating a lot of junk food trying to make myself feel better. I'm just making myself fat.
26. My huband and I almost got a divorce 2 years ago. He wanted to drink more than he wanted to be married to me.
27. It was a very rough time but I think we came out stronger.
28. I have great neighbors. We are all around the same age and we get together like once a month. I've always just had a couple of really close friends so it feels weird to have a group of girlfriends to do things with.
29. I have a 1972 Nova sitting in my garage waiting for us to restore it.
30. Someday I would like to race the 1/4 mile in that car.
31. I would also like a 1955 Ford Thunderbird with removable hardtop in salmon
32. I come from a very musical family. I sing, play piano, fiddle, flute etc.
33. When I get tired I have a tendancy to laugh uncontrolably for long periods of time.
34. I inherited this from my mom.
35. I am an only child
36. My husband is the middle child
37. My husband had a much harder life than I did growing up.
38. Sometimes I have a hard time putting this out of my mind when visiting his family. I want to yell at them.
39. I used to deal blackjack
40. I have a 2 tattoos.
41. One is Thumper from the movie Bambi that I got when I was 18. It's on my hip.
42. The other is the chinese symbol that means serenity on my right wrist. I got it about 6 months ago.
43. I broke my tailbone a couple of years ago.
44. I can now make my tailbone crack.
45. My butt also hurts when the weather changes. Arthritis of the ass. Nice...
46. I have been a religious American Idol watcher since it started. I am really bored with it lately.
47. I was robbed at gunpoint when I worked as a teller 10 years ago.
48. The FBI brought me a photo line up and I picked the guy out, he went to jail for 12 years.
49. I was fired from that job not long after that. I missed a lot of work and didn't handle it very well.
50. I love dark chocolate
51. I eat doritos and cottage cheese together
52. I don't like my food to touch
53. With all the anxiety I have had lately, I started watch the Ice Cube movie "Are We There Yet?" and got too stressed out and had to shut it off. Cuckoo!! ;)
54. I always wanted to be a marine biologist
55. Now I would just like to be able to work with animals.
56. Instead I sit at a desk all day long. Don't get me wrong, I love where I work, just wish I could work with animals too. Maybe I need to try to volunteer.
57. Ok that's all I can come up with for now. I will have to think of some more.

Motivation- What's that?

I know no one is reading this yet so I don't know why I keep trying to "write to my audience", ha ha. I fret over what to say, how to say it. I guess that is just the perfectionist in me.

Anyway, so yesterday went ok for day 1 on the new meds. Last night I slept really good again except I woke up this morning really groggy and I think I am going to take 50 mg of the Seroquel tonight and see how that goes.

Today I just really feel kind of spacey. My brain isn't able to concentrate on anything and people talk to me and I don't feel like I'm actually listening. Lack of concentration is a big symptom of depression and I have struggled with that prior to the new drugs so I don't think that has anything to do with the meds. The spacey thing might though.

My biggest concern right now is work. I get nothing done and can't seem to get motivated to accomplish much if anything throughout the day. I have no energy and frankly it stresses me out to see the piles on my desk. I am going to try to take a small pile and do one thing at a time today and hope I can make some headway. I hate feeling like a failure at work and home.

Luckily home life is going fairly well. My husband has been really great with helping me in regards to my diagnosis and symptoms. This hasn't always been the case. He is a recovering alcoholic and if any of you know an alcoholic you know that they can be pretty selfish. So it means even more to me that he has been so great through all of this. The one problem I have is that the house is constantly a mess. B doesn't do much housework if any. I have accepted the fact long ago but when I feel like this and don't have the energy to clean, the house just ends up being a complete disaster.

My step-daughter moved in with us about a month ago and we have been struggling a little bit to figure out how to all live together. :) She is 18 now and does not have a job yet. B put his foot down on Sunday and told her she needs to really work hard at finding a job and doing her share around the house because we are paying for her cell phone and car insurance and pretty much all of her expenses right now. If she doesn't get her act together, he told her that would all go away. I think that is fair. She has sluffed off for a month now and she needs to get a dose of reality. We are more than happy to help her out so she can get money saved for college in the fall but we will not just keep dishing out the money without her working and saving.

I guess that's about all I have for today.

Bi-Polar Disorder

Well I might as well start this blog off with a bang.

I was diagnosed with Bi-polar Disorder yesterday by a psychiatrist. Looking at my family history, I really didn't have a fighting chance.

I may use this blog to keep track of my moods and the things I learn about the bi-polar and the drugs I need to take, along with everyday life stuff.

So I started on 750mg of Depakote and 75 mg of Seroquel and 1mg of Folic Acid yesterday. The lovely side effects of the Depakote can cause birth defects and even though I don't plan on having children, the doctor wants me to take the folic acide to prevent birth defects if there were to be an "oops". The doctor is also weening me off Effexor which I have been on for 6 months.

Last night I slept the best I have slept in years. The Seroquel is a sleep aid and an anti-depressant and it definitely does it's job as a sleep aid. I had been on Ambien for a few weeks and I was still waking up at 1am and not being able to get back to sleep.

So today I woke up and probably could have slept all day but I got up and went to work and I am feeling ok, just a little dizzy which is probably from coming off the Effexor. As of last night I will be taking half a dose of Effexor for a week and then will stop completely.

I suppose I could introduce myself now that you know the details of my mental health :)

My name is Kate. I am 30 years old and I have been married for 8 years to B. I have an 18 year old step-daughter, D.

I am an Office Manager of a security company and really like where I work, lately I feel like I haven't been doing a good job there because of the health issues above.

I used to have a blog on MSN but decided to try this out.

Even if no one visits my space, I think it will be good to get my feelings out and track my mood swings. For those of you who do end up coming by my space I hope that you won't pre-judge me by my diagnosis.