TGIF

I am so relieved it is Friday!

This week has been pretty up and down. Monday I had a great day. Was in a great mood and had tons of energy. I got the house clean and a bunch of work done at work. I don't know if it was a manic episode or if it was just what "normal" could feel like.

After Monday things went down hill quick. I got a kidney infection and spent my Tuesday morning in the ER. Obviously this didn't help me mentally either. I felt like crap and was in bed all day. I did go to work on Wednesday but just couldn't handle it and went home early. Yesterday I stayed in bed until about 1:00 and finally called my boss and told him I was coming. If B hadn't called me and tried to get me to at least get outside for a minute to see if that would help, I would probably still be in bed.

I am at work today and have gotten quite a bit accomplished so far. There is still that underlying feeling of just wanting to crawl under the covers though. I am so exhausted by everything.

I am trying so hard to hold things together at home and work and I am failing. I feel like I can't do anything right. Then I start wondering, what if I really am not bipolar and am just a horrible human being that can't accomplish anything. Part of me knows that is irrational but my brain still thinks like that.

Anyway, I am going to do everything I can to stay positive this weekend. My Godmother is in town and I haven't seen her since my wedding 8 years ago so I told my dad to plan for me to meet them somewhere early on Saturday morning so I HAVE to get out of bed. Then as long as the weather cooperates B and I are going to plant some flowers. If I can just stay out of bed and in the sunshine I think that will help.

Meds

So last night was kind of a bad night all around so it's hard to know how the meds are working. I was definitely really dizzy last night but like I said before I think that is from coming off the Effexor.

So last night I took 50 mg of the Seroquel instead of 75. That worked better I think. I don't feel groggy this morning.

Motivation- What's that?

I know no one is reading this yet so I don't know why I keep trying to "write to my audience", ha ha. I fret over what to say, how to say it. I guess that is just the perfectionist in me.

Anyway, so yesterday went ok for day 1 on the new meds. Last night I slept really good again except I woke up this morning really groggy and I think I am going to take 50 mg of the Seroquel tonight and see how that goes.

Today I just really feel kind of spacey. My brain isn't able to concentrate on anything and people talk to me and I don't feel like I'm actually listening. Lack of concentration is a big symptom of depression and I have struggled with that prior to the new drugs so I don't think that has anything to do with the meds. The spacey thing might though.

My biggest concern right now is work. I get nothing done and can't seem to get motivated to accomplish much if anything throughout the day. I have no energy and frankly it stresses me out to see the piles on my desk. I am going to try to take a small pile and do one thing at a time today and hope I can make some headway. I hate feeling like a failure at work and home.

Luckily home life is going fairly well. My husband has been really great with helping me in regards to my diagnosis and symptoms. This hasn't always been the case. He is a recovering alcoholic and if any of you know an alcoholic you know that they can be pretty selfish. So it means even more to me that he has been so great through all of this. The one problem I have is that the house is constantly a mess. B doesn't do much housework if any. I have accepted the fact long ago but when I feel like this and don't have the energy to clean, the house just ends up being a complete disaster.

My step-daughter moved in with us about a month ago and we have been struggling a little bit to figure out how to all live together. :) She is 18 now and does not have a job yet. B put his foot down on Sunday and told her she needs to really work hard at finding a job and doing her share around the house because we are paying for her cell phone and car insurance and pretty much all of her expenses right now. If she doesn't get her act together, he told her that would all go away. I think that is fair. She has sluffed off for a month now and she needs to get a dose of reality. We are more than happy to help her out so she can get money saved for college in the fall but we will not just keep dishing out the money without her working and saving.

I guess that's about all I have for today.

Bi-Polar Disorder

Well I might as well start this blog off with a bang.

I was diagnosed with Bi-polar Disorder yesterday by a psychiatrist. Looking at my family history, I really didn't have a fighting chance.

I may use this blog to keep track of my moods and the things I learn about the bi-polar and the drugs I need to take, along with everyday life stuff.

So I started on 750mg of Depakote and 75 mg of Seroquel and 1mg of Folic Acid yesterday. The lovely side effects of the Depakote can cause birth defects and even though I don't plan on having children, the doctor wants me to take the folic acide to prevent birth defects if there were to be an "oops". The doctor is also weening me off Effexor which I have been on for 6 months.

Last night I slept the best I have slept in years. The Seroquel is a sleep aid and an anti-depressant and it definitely does it's job as a sleep aid. I had been on Ambien for a few weeks and I was still waking up at 1am and not being able to get back to sleep.

So today I woke up and probably could have slept all day but I got up and went to work and I am feeling ok, just a little dizzy which is probably from coming off the Effexor. As of last night I will be taking half a dose of Effexor for a week and then will stop completely.

I suppose I could introduce myself now that you know the details of my mental health :)

My name is Kate. I am 30 years old and I have been married for 8 years to B. I have an 18 year old step-daughter, D.

I am an Office Manager of a security company and really like where I work, lately I feel like I haven't been doing a good job there because of the health issues above.

I used to have a blog on MSN but decided to try this out.

Even if no one visits my space, I think it will be good to get my feelings out and track my mood swings. For those of you who do end up coming by my space I hope that you won't pre-judge me by my diagnosis.